(lighter clicks)
Ben: Do you think mom is hot?
Elliot: No. Not really.
Why?
I don't know. She's not my type.
You don't think she's pretty?
Like, even if she wasn't mom?
Uh, look, every opinion is subjective.
You know, maybe she's pretty in the universal sense.
I mean, who the fuck knows?
I'm just saying she doesn't do it for me.
Do you think other people think she's hot?
I don't know.
I mean, some people fucking like McDonald's.
I like McDonald's.
Right, and apparently, you think mom is hot, so.
What took you so long?
Find yourself a nice morbidly obese rest stop suitor
To take that much needed edge off the family road trip?
- I just got that. - Yeah, me too.
Mom?
Shut up and get in the car, Elliot.
Ben, who gave you money for that shit?
Ben: Dad.
Guess her bathroom tryst was not satisfying.
(starts engine)
Seat belts.
We good?
Ben: Um, okay.
And action!
So, Lynn. Where are we headed?
We're going to Annapolis, Maryland.
Hmm. And why?
Why are we going to Annapolis, Maryland?
Because my oldest son, your brother,
Is getting married.
Hmm. Now what is his name?
Dylan.
And, um, his bride to be?
Does she hail from Annapolis?
Yes. She does.
And what is her name?
Her name is Heather, Elliot. Heather.
And do you like this Heather Elliot?
(laughs) she's very sweet.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
So then, you have three sons, correct?
And a daughter. Your sister Alice.
And does this-- this Alice.
Is she, uh, from a previous marriage maybe
Or the current one?
She's from a previous one.
Hmm. And, um, this daughter, Alice,
Does she live with you or the ex-husband?
She lives with us, Elliot.
Hmm, and this Dylan character.
Let's return to him for a moment.
Does he also reside with us?
That's not funny, Elliot.
Okay, well, I'm not trying to be funny.
I'm just trying to establish the residency
Of the two eldest children.
Yeah, well, I've had enough.
Okay, well, maybe we'll circle
Back around to that a little later.
We won't circle back around to anything later.
Okay, well, um, moving right along then.
Moving right along.
Uh, let's see. This daughter, Alice.
Is she coming to the wedding?
Why are you doing this, Elliot?
Why-- why am l--
You know, to document. Document.
The-- the travels and the wedding
And just family time.
I'm not interested.
In what? You're not interested in keeping a record?
No.
Okay, then how will we know that any of this even took place?
You know, that it existed.
That what took place?
The wedding. All that surrounds matrimony.
I'm sure they hired a videographer.
True, but those guys don't really dig deep enough.
Okay, you know what, Elliot? I have--
Mom! Watch out! Watch out! Jesus fuck! Fuck.
Turn that fucking camera off, Ben!
Turn it off!
(soft music plays)
Ben: Taylor, like, told me that mom and dad
Bought grandma and grandpa this house.
I don't wanna hear another word from either of you
For the next 24 hours.
Ben: Well, is that, like, true?
Do you think I'm kidding?
I will take away every fucking privilege you have.
Oh ho, and you are quite privileged.
That goes for you too, Elliot.
Alice gets here in three days.
Please, I'm begging you.
Don't make this any more difficult for me
Than it already is.
I won't.
And no smoking.
Your grandfather already has one foot in the grave.
But not from smoking.
It doesn't matter.
Oh, and just so you're prepared,
The last time you went to rehab, I told them you were in Sweden.
Sweden? What?
Jesus. I don't know anything about Sweden.
Oh, shit.
Oh. Fantastic.
What happened?
Dad's heart slowed down again.
Was he okay? Is he alive?
He's fine. He's all right.
They're just making sure everything's okay.
Don't go in there.
(voice fades)
Dad?
EMT: You can't say the pacemaker doesn't do its job.
- Mom? - He's stable, Doris.
Mom, are you okay?
Yes, I'm fine thanks, don't worry.
EMT: Does that feel good?
(Joe moans softly)
(emergency radio chatter)
Well, I don't understand. He has a heart attack--
No, no, no. It wasn't a heart attack.
The fentanyl just set off his pacemaker.
Slowed down his heart.
Yeah, well, why didn't you take him to the hospital?
I mean, I don't think he--
Why don't you go get settled now.
I know you're worried, ma'am, but he's stable.
In fact, he's fine.
Just needs to rest up a bit. Take it easy.
In the morning, Doris, you can give his doctor a call.
See what he thinks, but his vitals are solid.
Yeah. I know.
Thank you so much for coming, Jason.
I really appreciate it.
Has that wife of yours had the baby yet?
- Two more weeks. - Oh, good.
I gotta tell you girls, your mother is just a doll.
You. Thanks again.
- You're welcome. - Hey, can I ask you something?
If you took one of these say with, like, aderol
And you're about 130 pounds.
Could-- could you stroke?
When's dinner coming?
I don't know. Just be patient.
So, man, you all right? You feeling all right?
You look a little pale there.
You need vitamin d. I read--
You read that report, Donna.
It's not like I'm sick, I'm just not really into the sun.
So it's like a trend or something?
I think it's the Goth thing.
No, it's not Goth. I'm not Goth.
But you always wear black.
That's Goth. He's Goth. Brandon, isn't Elliot Goth?
Oh, god, Donna, do you remember when he was 12 years old?
I'm, not.
Brandon pantsed him,
He was wearing Lynn's pantyhose under his jeans?
Donna: Hysterical!
You don't still do that, do you?
Go from fried chicken to grilled chicken.
- Food's here! - It's here.
What it is, is global warming.
That's exactly what it is. I'm telling you right now.
The record temperature, the hottest summer ever
Was back in the 1950s.
Tell me how that makes sense.
Where do you get this?
Actually, since 1880,
Average temperatures around the world have risen
1.4 degrees Fahrenheit.
What is he? Doogie Howser?
No, because Doogie Howser was a resident surgeon.
I was scared to death when I saw that ambulance in the driveway.
- He's in bad shape. - He's not in bad shape.
He just hates sitting around all day with nothing to do.
But he's a fighter, mother. He is.
Lord knows, we've been through this before.
You couldn't kill him with a double barreled shotgun.
The doctor said his heart only had 30% capacity.
Yeah, but he's in good spirits.
Well, that's good.
(wheezes) lack of oxygen!
(laughter, wine glass tapped)
I would just like to say to everyone,
(no audible dialogue)
That I make fantastic Martinis.
Sit down.
(overlapping dialogue)
That's original recipe, crispy, extra crispy.
Yo, wait until you see Heather's friends, man.
Dude, your dick will be dying, son.
It's fucking-- fucking fire.
My dick will be dying?
Tell you, man, these bitches are fucking delish.
Just like top notch, you know?
It's just that pussy you dream of.
Intriguing.
Hope you don't mind, man.
I keefed the nuggs with a little bit of llello.
No, it sure as shit beats the two packs
Of coricidin cough & cold I ate last night.
What do you mean Alice isn't coming until Friday?
Nothing, just that Alice will be here Friday.
The rehearsal dinner is on Saturday.
I know that, Bonnie, but everything will be fine.
Can't she come any earlier?
No, she can't. She has things to do.
And-- and this way,
Lee doesn't have to drive down tomorrow.
Lee is driving? I thought he always hired a car.
Bonnie, please. I just got here.
- Don't get all worked up, Lynn. - I'm not getting worked up.
I'm just asking.
Could we please not get into a whole thing?
Both: I'm not getting into a whole thing!
Hey, ladies. Can't we just get along?
Hey, who was it that said that?
- The guy-- the police beating. - Black guy.
Brandon: He's blind.
Ben: Who?
The dog. Pinky bones.
Elliot: Thank Christ.
What a gift from god.
If the dog could see his outfit, he'd fucking immolate himself.
My mom designed that outfit.
She opened up a business.
Well, that's what she said.
I think it's a good idea. Trying to be supportive.
(laughter)
Oh, this poor dog.
That's fucking fashion.
It's a dog, man. That's abusive.
That's what I've always said about Lynn.
She has to make everything about her
And her family and her problems and their issues.
It's not about her, it's about Dylan.
It's his wedding.
He wants her at the wedding, right?
He wants Alice at the wedding.
And she has her therapist so she can talk to Paul.
I mean, who goes to a therapist to talk to their ex-husband?
I don't know why you ask me these kinds of questions.
Well, 'cause Elliot's doctors just wanted--
No, there isn't.
So nobody in your family had any history of depression,
Or obsessive compulsive disorder...
- No. No. -...Severe an--
Well, where'd he come from, mom? The planet Mars?
Oh, maybe so.
But didn't dad's dad have some kind of a--
Didn't he drink heavily?
Well, yeah, but that was, you know.
Did he die of drinking?
No, of course not.
He, um, you know. He--
What?
He shot himself.
He shot himself?
Yeah.
Well, I'd say that's something.
It was a different time, Lynn. It was during the depression.
A lot of people shot themselves.
You know, I wasn't crazy about Sweden
I mean, it was-- it was freezing.
Really? Even in June?
Yeah, you know, maybe it was
Just my preconceived notions of Sweden.
Pro-- probably.
It's probably just psychosomatic.
- I have anxiety. - Careful.
I'm on medication.
Well, we all know that.
Man on TV: ...Limited spectrum of our intellect and what we are.
(snoring)
Man: Our ancestors struggled and fought and died--
(hocs, spits)
Oh, no fucking way.
It's gonna be weird, like, meeting mom's ex-husband.
I guess so.
I've never even, like, seen a picture of him before.
I did.
Well, what's he look like?
Kind of generic.
Know who he looked like? He looked like T.J.
Our old babysitter.
But didn't Paul used to be, like, physically abusive?
Yeah, I think so.
So are you gonna, like, kick his ass?
Ben--Ben, why would I kick his ass?
I don't know.
'cause he, like, used to hit mom and shit?
Yeah.
I've hit mom before.
(background TV chatter)
Come on.
Fuck.
Alice, are you sure you feel strong enough to come down here?
No. Okay, okay.
Okay, I'm just asking.
No, no, that will be fine.
I am just going to talk to Paul very calmly.
I'm gonna do just what Dr. Marcus said to.
Why would there be a fight?
It's just going to be me and Paul
And that-- that therapist whose profile we saw online.
Don't worry, Alice.
Exactly, exactly.
That's the plan. That's all. That's the plan.
(loud knocking)
(groans)
Jesus fuck.
(knocking) dude, I gotta drop a deuce!
(knocking)
Oh, shit.
Donna, go ask your father what he wants for breakfast.
Come on, come on.
Let's go see. Let's go see.
Let's go see what granddad wants.
- Say hello, granddaddy! - Oh, hi, baby.
Hey. Daddy, what do you want for breakfast?
A bowl of life.
Ah, we're all out of life.
Oh.
Are you crying?
- No, no, no. That, it's-- - are you sure?
Yes.
Okay, well, what do you want for breakfast?
Pancakes. Well done.
Okay, come on. Who's a stinky pinky?
Say I'm a stinky pinky. Boo-do-boo-do-boo. Yay.
I think daddy's been crying.
Was he watching the price is right?
Yeah.
It's that darn home defibrillator
Commercial they always play.
It just makes him so emotional.
Did he say what he wants for breakfast?
Delicious. Mmmm. Yeah, pancakes. Well done.
Have you eaten?
No, I have to go get ready.
For what?
I'm-- I'm gonna go see Paul.
Oh. I just don't get it.
What don't you get, mom?
I think you're just asking for trouble.
I don't understand why we can't just have a nice time.
Mom, l--
You always have to stir the pot, don't you?
(toilet flushing)
What're you doing in my bathroom?
I was just dropping a deuce.
- A what? - A deuce.
Like, deuce deuce, which is, like,
Gangsta rap for tony 2 pistol,
But subtract one deuce and you just get 2?
Like, the number?
Dropping a number 2?
Taking a poop?
What is wrong with you?
Well, I was diagnosed with--
I know what you were diagnosed with, Ben.
I'm your mother.
Is it my genes? Is it my--
Am I a bad mother?
Well, actually, I was thinking about it,
And both Elliot and I have problems,
So I was wondering if it was dad's genes, you know?
But then Alice is also fucked up, so--
Don't cuss, Ben.
Sorry, I won't, but, like,
The only one who is normal is Dylan.
And you didn't raise him, like, at all.
So I concluded that it must be you.
'cause, like, you're the only common denominator.
I love you so much.
Come here. Give me hug.
Did you wash your hands?
Mmm-hmm.
Okay, go ahead.
(door opens, closes)
I'm-- I'm on my way now.
- Bye. Uh-huh. - Bye.
Ben, will you come take these to your grandfather, please?
You know this whole well done pancake thing,
It's just been in the last two weeks.
His whole life, he liked them golden and fluffy.
Now he wants them blacker than the lady on the syrup bottle.
(laughs) mom, you are such a southern girl.
Don't tell anyone I said that.
Whatever, you're, like, twice as old as civil rights anyway.
(laughs)
Just take a tile, Donna.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
So was granddaddy still crying when you went in there?
I don't know. He wasn't there.
(big band swing plays)
(indistinct shouting)
All right, blood. Come on to the head.
Granddad?
Granddad's not here.
Whatever.
(yawns)
Daddy, you in here?
Oh.
- Sorry. - (stammers)
Okay, sorry.
Hello, Lynn. I'm Dr. Stanwyck.
It's nice to meet you.
Come on in.
Thanks.
- Hello, Lynn. - Hey.
- You look great. - Thank you.
Hi, Lynn.
Hi. I didn't realize that--
Of course, don't be silly. Why wouldn't I be here?
You did say that this was a family crisis.
Yeah, I told Paul it was pressing.
Exactly.
Let's all sit down.
So as Lynn explained to me over the phone,
Your son, Dylan--
Our son. Our son.
Right, right. I understand.
Dylan and Alice are the children you and Paul had, Lynn.
Now, Dylan has asked Alice
To be the maid of honor at his wedding Sunday.
Is that right so far?
- Yes. - That's right, that's right.
And, um, Alice--
It's not a very easy time for her right now.
So, I was thinking that it'd be a good idea
If Paul and I could, um,
Talk through some issues before she came down on Friday.
Daddy!
Where are you?
How is any of this my fault?
It's not your fault.
I haven't seen or spoken to my daughter in 7 years.
And I have no clue as to why.
- It's not what I wanted. - No, it's what Alice wanted.
Is that really what Alice wanted or is that what you wanted?
You certainly haven't made any effort
To make it any better over the last 7 years.
If that's even the truth,
Then I will ask Alice to explain it to me.
Because I wanna start resolving this once and for all
And put it behind us.
No, that is exactly what I'm trying to get you not to do.
Lynn...
Not speak with his daughter?
...Is this some sort of scheme
To get me down here to tell me
That I can't speak to my own daughter at my son's wedding?
Maybe this isn't for you to decide anymore.
Maybe that's what you're afraid of.
I mean, Alice is old enough to decide herself.
That's right.
This is between me and Alice, Lynn.
It doesn't concern you.
Patty, seriously,
This has absolutely nothing to do with you.
I think this has everything to do with me.
I am her stepmother.
How could you be her stepmother
When she doesn't even consider him her father?
- Well, he is. - No, he isn't.
- Yes, he is. - Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
Being a father entails certain responsibilities.
Patty: Yeah, so does being a mother.
Okay, everybody, look.
I understand this is an emotionally charged issue,
But let's try to stay on course here.
I don't think Lynn means to say that what Alice is going through
Is your fault, Paul.
Paul: Fine.
But I should be able to talk to my daughter...
Yes, you should.
...About whatever's going on in her life.
If my daughter is going through
Some sort of self-destructive phase then I want to he--
Wait, what, what? You think this is a phase?
- That's not what he said. - That's exactly what he said!
It's not what he meant.
I'm just trying to protect my daughter.
- From who? - From what?
From you!
- What did he--? - I just explained it to you!
You just so enjoy trying to tear this family apart.
Isn't that what this is all about?
So that's his story now?
Is that the story you tell everybody, Paul?
That I wanted to leave alone with my daughter
And not raise my son.
Is that what you told her when you were crying on her shoulder?
Did you leave out the part
Where you said, go, Lynn, go?
Go and take Alice.
But if you take Dylan, I'll take both your kids.
- What else did you leave out? - All I know is that...
...I love my daughter.
And apparently, she doesn't know that, Lynn,
And I don't understand it.
I don't understand that.
I don't give a fuck what you understand,
Because what I know is that my daughter
Has been silently slicing at her arms and legs
With a straight-edged razor for six years.
A straight-edged razor!
Now what don't you understand, you solipsistic fuck?
Daddy?
(sobbing) daddy?
Scared.
Daddy?
Oh, daddy. Oh, my god.
Daddy.
What the hell are you doing out here?
Don't say that word.
Third time in a month.
I just can't take it anymore.
Are you filming this?
Ben: Um--
Oh.
You're treating me like an animal.
Well, that's what's going on.
It's either this, daddy, or the old folks home.
You make the choice. Okay.
Okay, boys lift it.
I'm not an animal.
(background chatter)
She's running a little late.
I hope you're ready because we have so much planned.
Brandon. How you doing, buddy?
Heather looks beautiful. She lost a lot of weight.
Yeah. She looks great.
I saw Paul today.
Dad told me. How'd it go?
Oh, it went very well.
I think we're really making progress.
Yeah. Really?
Oh, doesn't he look wonderful?
How long has it been since you've seen him?
- Six months? - Four months.
Six months. Well.
I'm glad that at least you have this little bit of time
To spend with your mother.
Shit.
Patty keeps asking me if I'm gonna walk her to her seat.
Oh. Absolutely. I understand completely.
Are you kidding me?
You're my mother.
(overlapping dialogue)
Ugh. I bet she has something ridiculous like a vibrator
On the bed or something ridiculous, she's disgusting.
Listen, listen. So I open the bathroom door,
And I find Elliot in the buff,
Completely naked...
(laughter)
Putting on Lynn's lipstick.
(loud laughter)
(background chatter, music)
Ben: Hey. What's up?
Just bonding with family.
But they're all over there.
Yes, Ben. I realize that.
Thank you.
So, uh, what're you doing then?
Nothing, Ben.
I'm doing absolutely nothing.
Does everyone seem happy out there?
Yeah, of course, dad.
Um, the grass.
Does it seem a bit overgrown to you?
No, not at all.
Landscapers do a great job.
You don't have to worry about that.
It's my property.
I feel like I should be taking care of it myself.
Yeah, but it's a good thing that you don't have to, right?
You know that Elliot hasn't even said a word to me?
What?
Didn't even say hello.
You know Elliot's--
Elliot's having a tough time.
17 is not an easy age.
I don't understand what's so tough about his life.
He's a good looking kid,
You got all the money in the world,
And he goes to all the best schools.
He gets thrown out of the best schools, dad.
You guys are just too lenient with him.
You don't discipline him enough.
He has to have some consequences.
Okay, we do discipline him.
Elliot has a chemical imbalance in his brain.
It's real.
He has depression,
Obsessive compulsive disorder,
He has Tourette's syndrome for god's sake.
He suffers from severe anxiety
And he has difficulty managing his emotions.
Now he's in therapy and he's doing much better.
If you say so, baby.
TV host: Hello, Tiffany. Are you over the shock yet?
Tiffany: I am. Host: Ready to play?
Tiffany: I am, thank you.
Host: Okay, I wanna start you off--
Announcer: They're slashing regular health care
Like cancer surgery or having a broken leg fixed--
(background chatter)
Did you see the girl, remember Brandon was talking to?
(background chatter)
Life is just closing in on you, Dylan.
No. No. She's cool.
What? You're just gonna keep saying it over and over again?
You know this isn't Peter Pan.
We can all clap our hands and say we believe,
But it still doesn't mean you're gonna enjoy
Only having sex with Tinkerbell for the rest of your life.
(laughs)
Tinkerbell's hot, man.
Tinkerbell's very small.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
What're you doing later tonight?
- I don't know. - I don't know, man.
Maybe I'll have a drinking contest with granddad.
You know, every time there's a fox news alert
We could throw back a shot of prune juice.
- First to shit loses. - All right, all right.
Think I'll win?
Well, if you fucking get bored of that...
- lmpossible. -...We're gonna go to a party.
- Oooh. - You should come.
Yeah, good deal.
I should tell my mom, but she'll be cool.
Yeah, we're gonna get out.
We'll fucking roll out of here in, like, 20 minutes, so.
Yeah, I should probably take a shower.
I haven't showered in, like, a week.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take a shower. You know.
You know, um--
You know, wash that hair and, uh,
Throw on a little bit of mommy's lipstick.
Whatever it is that you need to do to get ready for the night.
Look there's--
There's a lot more to that though.
Just fucking with you.
You'll get a kick out of the real story.
I'm just fucking with you, man. I'm not trying to--
Just sayin'.
(overlapping dialogue)
Whatever it is you like to do, do it.
You made a very big mistake.
Who're you talking to?
Your father.
Oh, cool.
So, listen, I'm thinking I'm going to go out
With Brandon later.
Lee, let me call you back in a minute.
Nope. It's 10 P.M.
So?
What do you mean, so?
Well, I mean why can't I go?
Because I said so.
Because Brandon is five years older
And I don't like you hanging out with him.
So what am I supposed to do?
Sit around and play fucking rummy cube
With your demented family?
You could spend some time with your grandfather.
Oh, great. Yeah. The guy's a fucking zombie.
Don't be so mean, Elliot.
Oh, well, sorry, mom.
He watches fox news while he sleeps.
That's like the textbook definition of zombie.
Have you been drinking?
No. Of course not.
Have you been doing any drugs with Brandon?
No. I fucking promise.
Don't lie to me, Elliot.
I'm not lying to you, mom.
Then why are you acting out?
I'm not acting out.
Elliot, I swear to god,
If you have relapsed,
You're going right back to Silver Hill.
I can't take any more chances.
I'm not! Mom!
Just stop being such a fucking bitch!
Don't talk to me that way!
Then stop accusing me of shit I didn't do!
Okay, just lower your voice.
Why do you gotta be such a fucking bitch?
What the fuck is your problem?
Elliot, back away.
- Why? I'm not doing anything. - Just back away now.
- I'm not doing anything. - Elliot, please.
- I'm not doing anything. - Just back away.
- You fucking cunt! - No, no, no!
(crying)
(crying continues)
(sings) Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack go under the limbo stick.
(crying continues)
Yo, bachelor party.
Shit's gonna be off the ho-ok.
Oh, my bad, my bad.
Not cool.
Yo, where'd that nigga Elliot go?
Lynn: It's just so scary. Doesn't it scare you?
Are you even aware of it when it's happening?
Yeah, but it's like--
It's like this switch gets flipped.
And something snaps inside of me and l--
And--
Well, where does it come from?
Because your reactions to things are so extreme
It's just not normal.
It's like--
The moment I get here, I'm forced to lie.
Lie about being in fucking Sweden
And, you know,
Trying to hide the fact that I have fucking issues.
So you can't-- you can't escape.
I know.
Like they only see you in these stages.
These intermittent stages of your life,
Which are usually embarrassing
Because growing up fucking sucks.
They just cling on to them
And bring them up whenever you're around.
That's because that's all they have.
They don't know you, Elliot.
So, it's just like, the only thing that ties us together
Are these horrible, fucking moments of our lives.
I mean shit you wish had never happened.
It's like everything you're trying to avoid.
You don't want Alice to come here
And deal with all the traumatic shit of her childhood
And you're trying to explain to them
That this could be really fucking detrimental
But they don't understand.
They never will.
So you drive yourself crazy,
Alice cuts herself and I just...
Turn into fucking glenn beck.
So...
Are you gonna tell dad about this?
Yeah, I have to.
(loud thunder, rain)
(wind howling)
(distant thunder)
(distant hammering)
(hammering continues)
(background chatter)
It's exactly where it's supposed to be.
(overlapping dialogue)
I'm Lynn Hellman.
Uh, hi. Foreman Fred.
May I help you with anything?
Well, not unless you have a solution
On how to get a twelve foot stake into the ground
Without damaging the irrigation system.
Did you just wake up?
No.
You know, I was just thinking that maybe the tent
Wasn't in the right position.
That maybe if we move it and if you face it this way--
We, Lynn, um, spent a lot of time with Dylan and Heather
Going over all this.
I'm sure they would've appreciated your input
About a month ago, but irregardless,
I think that Fred and I've got it covered, don't we?
We certainly do.
Of course, I have taken orders from this little lady
For how many years?
- 15 years? - Oh, jesus.
Am I getting old?
You, on the other hand, you haven't aged a day.
Well, you know I'm not gonna ever let you see me
Without my full fluff and fold.
And a mighty fine fluff and fold it is.
Oh, you. You are a sweetheart.
You're gonna get me in trouble with Paul.
I think this pollen is giving me a migraine now.
I'm just gonna go inside. Go inside.
Well I'll make sure and share your thoughts
With Heather and Dylan.
I know they'll appreciate it.
Donna. Donna!
Donna?
- Like that hat, Donna! - Thank you, thank you.
I can not the way she just waltzed on to our property.
Somebody had to help Heather with the wedding.
- Her mother has lupus. - It's not lupus.
She says it's lupus. It's chronic fatigue.
We all know what that's about.
Whatever it is, she can't help at all.
It's just so sad. Poor Heather.
Paul's company put up the entire tent for free.
Saved her family a fortune.
All that flirting is so inappropriate.
And that-- and that-- that tarzan outfit.
Lynn, you're wearing a robe.
- I just woke up. - Oh.
I had a horrible night's sleep.
Don't get defensive. No one cares.
Ben: Do you think Alice, like, might wanna kill herself?
Elliot: No, of course not.
But, like, one day do you think she'll--
No, Ben. No.
She's gonna be fine.
I guess.
No, totally.
All right?
I was wondering,
Do you think autistic people know they're autistic?
I think it depends on how severe it is,
But in most cases, I imagine so.
Yeah, because,
I know I was diagnosed with, like, mild Asperger's syndrome,
But I didn't think I was autistic.
No, you're definitely not. Why? Did someone say that?
Yeah.
Donna was talking about it to Bonnie and grandma.
With you in the room?
Yeah, but they were whispering.
They didn't know I could hear.
But I've got, like, amazing hearing.
I mean, like, I could hear shit below 20 Hertz.
I just don't understand
Why you have to redesign the whole dress.
I'm just putting sleeves on it, mom.
It's not that big a deal.
Maybe not to you.
What's that supposed to mean?
All I'm saying is that I think that Alice
Would like to fit in with the rest of the party
Rather than standing out like a sore thumb.
Okay, you know what? This is not up for debate.
Now don't get all huffy and puffy.
I'm not getting all huffy and puffy.
Now, you're in a state. Am I right?
(phone rings)
Hello? Oh, hi, Paul.
Oh, it's fantastic.
We're all so excited around here.
Yeah, right.
Joe, he's-- he's getting weaker.
Yeah, he keeps--
I once saw this PBS special with all these great doo-wop singers.
Donna, please, shhh.
What? Oh, Paul?
She'll be on the phone for at least 20 minutes.
- They do this every couple-- - I know that.
Yeah, that's Lynn.
(mom laughs)
Doris: I know. Oh, yeah. That's right. Oooh, when?
I could just about kill you right now.
In that case, you'll have to pop inside.
I'll make you a cup of coffee.
Good. All right.
Well then I'll see the two of you real soon, huh?
Okay, Paul, say hello to the girls for me.
Yeah. Bye-bye.
Mom?
Mmm?
Mom, what did you just do?
What?
Did you just invite them over?
Oh, good lord.
Are you pretending to be oblivious,
Or do you really not get it?
Get what?
How that might make me feel?
Suddenly, there was such a racket.
Seems like every guy on the ship was yelling his head off.
So I got out of the room, I ran up the stairs.
All the way up to the top deck to see what was going on,
And there's a woman standing there.
So I look over and I'm looking.
And all of a sudden, I realize
That's Doris
Standing there waiting for me.
Granddad?
Dude, did he just die on camera?
Donna: It's okay.
You don't joke about that.
Elliot: Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't-- I didn't mean to cause any sort of--
False alarm, don't worry.
- What happened? - He did look dead, though.
Ben: He looked, like, really dead.
Did something happen to dad?
- No. - Yeah, something did happen.
No, nothing happened.
Something happened. We thought he was dead.
- Elliot-- - we have it on camera.
What did you do to him, Elliot?
What did I do-- nothing, mom.
What're you doing with that camera?
Okay, he was telling a story about World War II, and--
You brought up politics?
No, I didn't bring up politics.
- For fuck's sake. - Elliot!
Oh, you guys have never heard the fuck word before?
Okay, Elliot, just go to your room.
Mom, I'm not six years old and I don't have a room.
This isn't my house.
Last I heard,
Your name was on the fucking title.
Oh, oh, oh. (gaps)
- You are a real asshole. - Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
- You know that. - I wasn't supposed to say it.
Okay, just get out. Get out.
- Get out! - Yeah, I'm on my way.
- Hey, aren't you-- - eat shit, Paul.
Some manners that kid has.
Oh, fuck you, Paul.
I'm sorry, I apologize. I'm sorry.
Um, would anyone like some tea or coffee?
Pass those, would you, dear?
(overlapping dialogue)
- Paul wants some. - Oh, they look delicious.
Wait till you all see Alice. Oh, god. What a beauty.
And she's just as smart as a whip.
Really quick, yeah.
Really looking forward to having a conversation with her.
Although, Lynn doesn't think it's such a good idea.
I didn't say that, Paul.
Good. I'm glad there's no problem then.
I'm just trying to make sure Alice doesn't walk into
A, um, emotionally volatile atmosphere.
It's a wedding, Lynn. Weddings aren't volatile.
(light laughter)
You know, Paul, I don't think you really understand
Just how fragile Alice is right now.
And it's not your fault.
At all.
You see, the psychology of self-injuring
Is very complicated.
And I think what Alice is-- was doing
In her case is she was trying to convert
Her emotional pain into something tangible.
Like a physical pain.
I--I think we do understand.
Usually this kind of thing is about seeking attention.
(heavy sigh)
What, did I say something stupid?
- Okay, Patty, could I just-- - no.
It has become a fad these days.
It's not a fad.
- I think that-- - I don't care what you think.
I am just trying to explain to you
What's going on with our daughter.
And I think in her case,
It's about her trying to gain control.
Over what?
Over everything.
Everything in this child's entire life
Has been beyond her control.
Our divorce,
The fact that she was forced to spend summers with you.
The fact that she grew up without her brother.
All of it. She had no control over any of it.
Doris: But you did.
No, mom. I didn't.
Paul, tell me if I'm crazy,
Because I really don't remember anymore, I really don't.
I mean, I blocked so much of it out
That I don't know what's true and what's not.
The night before I left,
We were in the kitchen
And you were screaming at me about something, l--
I think you--
I think you lost your keys or something.
And Alice was holding on to my leg.
And you were screaming. You were really screaming.
And she was terrified. She wouldn't let go.
And then you grabbed me by my shirt,
And you punched me in the face.
You grabbed me by my shirt
And you punched me right in the face.
Now tell me, Paul,
Did that actually happen?
Yeah, it happened.
It must feel good
To get something like that off your chest.
(sobbing)
(heavy sobbing)
Hey, granddad. Have you seen my camera?
Nope.
Oh, there it is.
Elliot: Last night I didn't sleep as usual.
I got to thinking,
Maybe around, like, 4 A.M or so,
That you know, it seems like there's been
An inordinate amount of drama since we got here.
And it made me think that,
Ifwe come down here for a funeral,
Instead of a wedding,
We might actually all be getting along.
Now, begs the question what does that mean?
And the only conclusion I've been able to come to,
Is that death is actually a more unifying force
Within family than love.
That's a mind blowing concept.
It is a despicable thing to say.
Really?
Really.
I mean, I know this sounds kind of cynical, but--
I mean, take 9/11 for instance.
I know I was young when it happened,
But honestly, when I think about it,
It may have been the only time in my entire life
That I ever really, truly felt connected
To every single member of my family.
Like some strange, intangible nexus
Just unveiled itself for a moment.
I know it's still there.
That's not what I'm saying.
I guess I just think it's weird that it takes tragedy
To bring it out.
Well, l-- perhaps it's just the way you were brought up.
Mmm.
I am myself and my circumstances.
Did you hear about Alice?
Yeah. I feel bad for her.
Supposedly, it's bad.
It's such a bizarre thing to do to yourself.
I don't get it.
Now they're gonna sew sleeves on her dress.
She's so gruesome.
Lynn says it's this generation's anorexia.
Anorexia, I can understand.
Everybody wants to look good, but this is just gross.
It is.
You don't do it, do you? Any of your friends do it?
No, of course not.
See, so it's not generational Donna.
I didn't say it, Lynn said it.
I just hope she looks nice.
Well, it may not matter.
- Why? What do you got? - Why? What do you mean?
Lynn said something about
Not wanting to bring Alice into this environment.
(overlapping dialogue)
How could she do such a thing, you know?
Do what?
Alice isn't coming to the wedding!
What?
That is not necessarily a given.
She wants everything about her
Because she wants all the attention
Because she's just like her mother.
Who said she's not coming?
Donna said that Lynn said it.
- I did not. - Yes, you did.
How could she do that? How could she just not come?
(muffled) I dunno.
What?
How could she do that? How could she not come?
How can she ruin her brother's wedding?
What is wrong with you?
Who said she's not coming, mom?
You should just tell her to stop all this silly drama.
This isn't about her.
It's about Heather and Dylan. It's their day.
I know that! She is coming!
Who said she's not coming?
It doesn't matter who said it for god's sakes, Lynn!
It was said!
You should've just told her to call her father
And to resolve this whole thing
Instead now it's all ruined.
Oh, fine.
(background chatter)
(chatter abruptly stops)
Hey, everybody.
Oh, thank god.
What's up, Alice?
- How are you? - I'm good.
Yeah? Mom.
- Hi. - How are you?
- I'm good. I'm good. - You look good.
Thank you. Hi!
I'm not waiting to give you a hug.
Good.
Thank you so much for being here.
Hey, what's cooking everybody?
Let's do all the introductions and be pseudo polite--
For the love of granddad's elusive god,
Can we just get dinner?
And school. How's school? Do you have a boyfriend?
I know you do. You must because you're too freaking gorgeous.
I suppose. It's good.
Bonnie, it's summer now.
Donna, can you please pass the roast?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- No boyfriend? - No.
There must be someone out there.
No, l-- I can cut it.
I don't mind. I don't mind.
Donna. Donna, please stop it.
She can eat like everyone else.
I bet you there's someone waiting in the wings.
Lynn (VO): I think you lost your keys or something.
But you were screaming at me.
And Alice was holding on to my leg.
And she was terrified. She wouldn't let go.
And then you grabbed me by my shirt--
Shit, Alice. I'm sorry.
- It's all right. - That was a bad id--
I didn't think about it.
Dude, are you, like, crying?
(sobbing)
I think Alice handled the family very well.
(muffled TV)
Yeah, she and Dylan were cracking up
About that dog in the outfit.
A cowboy.
I just don't know what I'm supposed to do about Paul.
That's a tough one.
I just don't get what the appeal is.
Of Paul?
No, the cowboy dog.
Are you even listening to me?
Yeah, yeah. Of course.
I just can't get over that dog.
Well, try, Lee.
He had these little holsters and--
Little chaps he was wearing.
(barks)
(both laugh)
So I'm pretty sure grandma's a sociopath.
No, I'm serious.
I think it requires investigation.
I think you should write your thesis paper on this.
Yeah, call it "heart of darkness 4."
Thesis papers don't have such poetic titles.
Yeah.
What the fuck are you doing with drugs, Elliot?
You got out of your fourth rehab three months ago.
Alice, come on.
Weed's not a real drug.
It's like a teddy bear.
Or a gecko.
You're not fucking around with anything else?
No, of course not.
Seriously, Elliot.
You fucking scared us.
I promise.
You really wanna open the floodgates
On the self-destructive behavior,
Little miss mutilation?
No, it wasn't good. You were really fucked up.
I know. I get it.
I'm not doing the bad shit anymore.
I'm just doing normal, teenage drugs.
(blows three times)
(chuckles)
Wow. I see tablespoons,
Teaspoons,
Dinner forks,
Dessert forks.
But nary a knife in sight.
- Really? - Yup.
Mmm-mmm.
The knives have migrated.
Maybe grandma's just baby proofing the house
For granddad.
Do they honestly think
That access to a butter knife is my problem?
Are you fucking kidding? Abso-fucking-lutely they do.
Dude, granny baker's already swapped out your lady bic
With a bucket of nair.
(both laugh)
(distant yell)
I need an ambulance right away
To number 9 Overlook Drive, please.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Don't touch him.
(yells)
Yes, he's still breathing.
Thank you.
(loud groan)
Don't worry. This is what happens.
Ben (VO): Are you on drugs? Elliot (VO): What?
Ben: Did you, like, take something?
Uh, yeah.
What'd you take?
Fentanyl.
What's fentanyl?
It's like morphine.
81 times more potent.
Are you, like, afraid of dying?
Every second. Every day, yeah.
Doesn't make any sense.
I know.
What's it feel like?
(soft moan)
(no audible dialogue)
Oh, in case your mother didn't tell you,
I won't be at the rehearsal dinner.
I'll be at the hospital with your grandfather.
Where's Paul?
Doesn't look like he's here.
Well, like, why isn't he here?
How the fuck should I know?
I just think it's weird, like,
What if he got into a car accident or something?
Ben, shut the fuck up. You're killing me.
Whatever.
(background chatter)
Where's your sister? Where's Alice?
Lee, would you go check on Alice?
I'm-- I'm wearing heels.
Alrighty.
Why didn't you wear a shirt?
What do you mean? This is a shirt.
No, it isn't a shirt. That's a sweatshirt.
That's a shirt.
What's the holdup? You ready?
What do I say to him, dad?
Who?
Paul, what-- you know.
What do I say to him?
What'll we talk about?
Well, uh, you know l understand it's-- it's awkward,
But, oh, he'll probably, uh,
He'll probably ask you what you've been up to
And you'll tell him and-- and...
You'll ask him and he'll tell you
And go on from there.
It's-- it's a rehearsal dinner.
It's not the camp David accords.
Hey, are you hot?
Feeling good? Absolutely.
(background chatter)
Hey. Good to see you, Paul.
Lee, good to see you.
Oh, my god. You guys look so big.
Wow.
Coming in for one.
Paul, how's it going, man?
Hanging in there.
Hey, how are you doing, man?
We met briefly, exchanged-- I don't know if you remember,
But it was powertul for me.
Alice, if you're comfortable,
I'm gonna take these two virtuous maidens,
I'm going to defile them,
With my thoughts and opinions
On the current state of organized religion
Which are controversial, Paul, rest assured.
I'm sorry, he has problems.
Well, that's sort of evident.
Um, so, but you do not.
You, uh, you're all grown up.
It's amazing.
Sorry I missed it.
But, um, thank you for coming.
It means a lot to everybody.
Yeah. I mean, Charlie and Sam,
I hardly recognize them.
They're so grown up.
They always ask about you.
They're like how come Alice doesn't live with us anymore?
Wait, is that how they remember it?
Like when I come for the summers?
They don't ever think I lived there.
No, no, no, no.
- Why would they think that? - It's not anything specific.
It's, uh, just more of a--
They were the little kids and you were the big sister
And it's in the past and that's where it should stay.
Um, and hopefully, everything's forgiven, you know?
What, uh-- the degree?
What, uh, is that something interesting?
Yeah. It is interesting.
It's, um, child development.
- Uh-huh. - Mmm-hmm.
So that means that you would be a-- a--
Take care of babies, pediatrician or--?
No, child development is more psychology.
Psychology.
Yeah, of course.
Must've gotten that from your mother.
Got what?
You know, the thing. With Lynn.
The therapist. You know. Everything.
That wasn't just her.
O'grady: Is everyone here now?
Okay. You wanna head in?
O'grady: That's right. And right down here.
That's excellent guys.
Now we're just going to split off, okay perfect, thank you.
And right this way, sweetie. Right over here.
That was great. That was excellent.
And now if we could have the groom walk his mom to her seat.
Okay, um--
It, uh-- I just--
Dylan, didn't you tell her?
Tell me what, Lynn?
Uh--
I mean do you think that you can just waltz right back into his--
- Well-- - life?
Did she push you to do this to me?
No, no. No.
No, it's just that--
She's my mother, Patty.
And--
Weren't you the one who said
That parenting entails
Certain responsibilities, right?
Well, I'm the one that drove him to school.
I'm the one that put him to bed.
I'm the one who tickled his back
When he was afraid and had a nightmare.
I'm the one who washed his clothes.
Not you. Not you!
I was the one who was always there, not you.
Patty, why don't we get a breath of air.
We are outside, Paul!
Fine. Back off.
Just calm down.
I'm-- I'm sorr-- sorry.
I'm telling you, Lee, now she's really gonna be
On the fucking warpath.
The fucking warpath.
How you doing back there, Elliot?
I'm contemplating the symbolic nature
Of this seating arrangement.
(rapping, beat boxing)
here come the Hellmans no sense of equilibrium
the family members catalyst like yellow cake and tritium
from a fight we'll blow our way to center stage
this is rage, this is rage, this is a crew with some rage
Iet's slay the beast to save the feast, animals in a cage
get 'em, no cops on this green earth
going to keep us from rising we fuck up genes, these rings
and all the things we brutalizing
not one yuppie on this family will be my own relation
right hand up I go seven
sieg heils at Hellman nation?
Oh, shit, Elliot!
Coming all the way from MIC straight to Annapolis
Just to fucking kill it!
In one, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness, bitches.
Oh my god, making my baby batter boil, boy. Woo.
They're like 6.5s.
Oh, my god. Look at that one.
Look at that one, she's a motherfucking thoroughbred!
Oh, she's all classy and shit.
I bet she's got black, satin sheets.
Mmm, little runway strip to park my plane in that.
Mmm! Get my dick wet tonight.
I'd tap that.
Boy, you don't even know shit about tapping shit.
Yeah, I do. I found this book on my mom's bed
All about the g-spot.
I've been trying it out on a few bitches.
(overlapping dialogue)
You know how I can be totally certain
That you're full of shit right now?
I'm not, but how?
Because if your mom really knew where her g-spot was,
She wouldn't have to make costumes for dogs.
Oh! Snap, nigga!
- Seriously, you understand? - What're you guys laughing at?
- Baby batter. - Shut the fuck up, Ben.
Hey, Elliot, better dance with me tomorrow night.
Um, dancing isn't particularly my thing.
Wait, that's not true. You can do the macarena.
Really, Elliot?
You don't know what the fuck you're talking about, Ben.
Yeah, I do. 'cause mom taught you and you taught me.
You were good. Remember?
You guys know about my brother Ben, right?
You know how he has severe autism?
(laughter)
You don't wanna talk about it too much,
Because if you talk about severe autism to the retard too much,
Then he gets low self-esteem, and that's not good.
Right, Ben?
Isn't that right?
Samantha, care for a smoke?
You don't?
It would make you look so much more attractive.
(knocking)
Oh, my god, she is such a fucking bitch.
Better to be pale. It's better to--
(sighs)
- Is he all right? - He's fine.
I'll tell you, you can't find a better beer
Than this michelob ultra.
It's almost zero carbs. How 'bout that?
Interesting.
(muted dialogue)
Is he all right?
He's fine.
We have them made for us in Indiana.
- And really, the money is-- - right.
Now the deal with GM, was for carriages?
- They don't look the same. - Cubic zirconias look the same.
I know, but I'm talking--
It's just a status thing. I just don't get that.
It's interesting,
Most people think that when rock 'n' roll first hit--
Boom-- that there was nothing else.
Not true, because what most people don't remember
Was that there was this strange time,
Maybe three or four years,
When everything sort of coincided so that you had--
You had your perry comos and your bill haleys
And your pat boones.
And you had people like Jill Corey.
You remember?
No.
Yeah, you do, because I played you that song.
"make like a bunny honey".
I'm gonna go call granny and check on everybody.
See how they are at the hospital.
Good. Tell them we're praying for them.
- Hey. - Hey.
Look, um, I just want to say l--
I think we got off on the wrong foot back at the house.
And-- and all I really wanted to convey to you
Was that-- that I really have missed you.
That we, all, have missed you.
Your mother said that you weren't feeling good
And so I just didn't know what to expect.
Well, after everything you heard,
I hope I didn't disappoint you.
Disappoint me?
No, no way, no. No.
What does that mean?
Sorry, I'm just being kind of awkward.
Um-- (clears throat)
Dylan told me that you gave him a big promotion.
That's-- yeah, that's really great.
- He deserves it. - Yeah.
Done a great job, but he's gotta build towards something,
Like you're doing.
Yeah, thanks.
I mean, I had to take some time off, but, um,
I'm doubling up on courses for September
So I can graduate on time.
- That's good. - Yeah.
I'm-- I'm so happy you finally found something.
I mean, I really love it. You know. I--
I don't know, I feel like maybe
I have something to offer there in a way.
Alice, I know everybody thinks
That I don't understand everything.
And maybe they're right.
But I want to. I do.
Thanks, Paul.
And you know, if you ever want to just phone me,
Or just wanna talk,
Maybe you're feeling down or something,
I just don't want to lose touch with you again.
If that's what you want.
Yeah, I mean, l'd-- I'd really like that.
Maybe we could, um,
Get lunch or something.
I mean, um, maybe it could--
Maybe it could just be me and you.
She's my wife.
Alice--
I know.
Uh, excuse me, barkeep.
Yeah?
Um, can I get three shots-- double shots
Of your finest whiskey, please?
Um, how old are you?
Okay, I'm 17,
This is my family and this is hell.
I beg you. Have some fucking sympathy.
I call it my Thursday list.
Alice is hysterical in the parking lot.
Give me my purse.
Grab the kids. I need to pee.
Alrighty.
Um, do you, like, drink often?
Only really when I'm on opiates.
Okay.
But, like, what I was, like, saying,
Is that, like, my mother really is the one who, like,
Raised Dylan, not your mother.
And, like, I don't mean that in, like, an offensive way,
It's just, like, the truth.
And, like, I guess, like what I want to say
Is that, like, I think it's, like, pretty disrespectful
That, like, your mother forced Dylan to choose her
To walking down the aisle.
Mmm.
So, yeah.
You wanna know something hilarious?
Sure.
You sure?
(urinating)
(door opens, footsteps)
Sounds like you're finished.
What?
Sounds like you're finished.
Wait, what?
Come on out, Lynn.
Why?
Come out of the stall, Lynn.
Okay, but, um--
Oh, my god. There you are.
I've been, like, looking, like, all over for you.
You will never, ever, ever believe
What Elliot just said to me.
He's, like, so arrogant, and also
A complete, drunk drug addict.
He ordered, like, three double shots of, like, whatever,
And I was like, um, do you drink often?
And he was like, I like to mix it with opiates.
So gross.
- They're disgusting. - So gross.
The whole family's disgusting.
I know. They're disgusting. I hate them.
Who was that?
Like, didn't even wash her hands.
Good god, Paul.
Can't you keep that fucking pit bull
Of your wife under control?
Elliot says that Lynn says that when dad met you,
You were a stripper.
And a coke whore.
- Mmm. - Is that true?
- Really. - Is that true?
Baby, it's ridiculous.
Mom, now you promise me that's not true.
- That piece of shit! - You lying whore.
What? What?
Have you been telling your kids
That I was a stripper and a coke whore?
Are you out of your fucking mind?
- I didn't say that! - Lynn, did you say that?
- No, of course not! - That's what Elliot told me!
Fuck him! He's a fucking asshole!
Oh, what a good mother you are.
You're such a good mother. So sweet.
Elliot has Tourette's syndrome! He'll say anything!
He has no filter!
Meanwhile you come waltzing into this family
And you try to rip us fucking apart!
I tried to rip your family apart? Are you joking me?
I raised Dylan. I'm not the one who abandoned him.
You could go fuck yourself! You fucking redneck--
(all yelling)
Paul: Let go of her!
Goddamnit, let go of her!
You found someone to fight back, didn't you?
You're goddamn right, I'll fucking tear you apart!
She's gone!
(overlapping dialogue)
Get out. Get out. You son of a bitch.
Think you just insulted yourself, mom.
Shut up and go fuck yourself!
- What did I do? - Go fuck yourself.
The hell is going on?
She grabbed me. She grabbed me.
And she-- she strangled me.
- What? Who? - Patty!
Patty assaulted me, Lee.
- Really? - Really?
- And this motherfucker-- - okay, that's weird, mom.
This motherfucker has been drinking and doing drugs.
Calm down, calm down.
I had a few, I had anxiety, I had a fucking panic attack.
Let's just get in the car. Get in the car.
Shut up!
In the car.
- She's pissed. - Oh, she's pissed, Ben?
Thank you for telling me that she's pissed.
Otherwise I would have no idea, Ben.
(both sobbing)
- Door is locked. - Oh, this fucking thing.
(beeping)
Lee, open the door.
Lee: Goddamnit.
Now why the hell they can't make these things
A little bit simpler?
It's 12:13 ante meridian,
And I'm reporting to you live and on the scene
Outside the home of Joe and Doris baker
In the heart of queen anne city,
Annapolis, Maryland,
Where just moments ago
The diabolical force, known as the Hellman family,
Has finally submerged this quaint, waterfront town
Into complete and utter chaos.
With their overly sensitive self-destructive daughter,
Alice scissorhands,
And the rather unseemly and highly inappropriate
Behavior of their mama familias,
Some have begun to wonder,
How will tomorrow's events unfold?
Oh, wait, one moment.
I'm getting something.
Preliminary reports are suggesting
That no matter the outcome, Doris baker is
And will remain quietly furious.
The question that begs to be answered however, is,
Will they unite for just one day?
Or will all hell break loose and split this family in two
Like a Maryland blue crab?
(Ben & Elliot laugh)
This is Elliot Hellman reporting to you live for fuck news.
Back over to you, Ben.
What's the name of that tea I like?
Which one?
The one I drink.
Green tea.
No, no, it's chamomile.
So why are you asking me?
I'm asking what it's name is.
Surrender. Surrender.
Yeah. Surrender to sleep.
Jesus Christ, Lee.
Why don't you just ask for it?
Doris: No, no. Never turn that light on.
Mom, can I talk to you for a minute?
No, Lynn, you can't.
Why is it you have never learned when to just keep quiet?
I just wanted--
I know what you want. We all know what you want, Lynn.
'cause you never had the decency
Or the respect or the consideration
To keep anything private.
I'm just trying to make things better.
Yeah, yeah. For who, Lynn? For me?
Huh? Sitting here in the middle of the night
And I can't sleep.
I'm totally exhausted and I can't get to sleep.
You're gonna make things better for me?
The doctor said he's stable.
They can't do anything else for him.
Just keep him comfortable.
It's all--
It's all I've done my whole life,
Kept him comfortable.
I was seventeen years old when I met your father.
He was so handsome.
So tall
And strong and shy.
I miss him.
I miss the man I married.
I miss him when he's here
And I miss him when he's not here.
Tonight I was lying in bed and I thought
When did this happen?
When did he disappear?
When did I first fall asleep
In an empty bed?
In an empty house?
What did I do to deserve this?
(sobbing)
What did I ever do that was so bad?
(sobbing)
And I know it's coming. I know.
Every time I wake up, before I open my eyes and listen,
Hear if he's still breathing.
I don't know what I'm going to do...
...When I wake up and he's not.
When there's nothing but the silence.
Just silence.
What am I going to do, Lynn?
(crying)
Okay, okay, okay.
(laughs) so?
There it goes, huh? There it goes, Lynn.
You got me. (laughs)
That's what you came down here for, isn't it?
("Malaguena" plays)
(no audible dialogue)
("Malaguena" ends)
I wasn't ready.
I'm still not ready.
Things don't change, mom.
People don't change.
They don't matter.
You do, Alice. You do.
Lynn: And you can't let them tell you who you are
Or what you're capable of,
Because if you do, then they win.
I'm not like you, mom. I'm not.
I wish-- I can't just block it all out.
Don't do this, Alice.
Don't let them control the way you feel about yourself.
I can't help it. I can't.
You're your own person.
And you're strong.
You're so goddamn strong, Alice.
And when it was just you and me,
And we didn't have a fucking soul on our side,
I looked to you.
I always looked to you.
Elliot: You know, if you don't mind, ladies,
I would just like to say how
Unbelievably gorgeous you two look today.
Just tremendous, you know? Stunning. Marvelous.
You know what, Elliot, I would appreciate it
If you did not speak for the next 24 hours.
Why?
'cause mom caught you doing drugs and shit.
And, like, it's your fault Patty went nuts.
Oh, I mean, yeah. That's true.
But I thought maybe we could've moved on from that.
You know, as a family.
I just don't have the energy to move on from that.
As a family.
- Oooh, shit. - Oooh, shit is right.
What, you too? No understanding.
What's the matter, dad? You never got drunk or stoned
When you were my age?
Not with the frequency
And degree of enthusiasm that you do now.
You, mom? You never skin popped a little "d" back in the '70s?
You know what, Elliot, do me a favor.
Just go ahead. Go, go, go get high.
Go O.D. Ruin your fucking life.
Because I'm giving up. I'm just giving up.
Really? That is awesome! Wait, really?
Let's not get into this right now.
Can l? 'cause that would be great.
- Elliot! - What?
Why do you have to be such a fucking dick?
What are you so pissy about?
Your chamber maiden dress?
See?
You're just so immature, you know?
When are you gonna grow the fuck up?
You know, sometime near the end.
(background chatter)
Bonnie: Oh, there's me! (laughter)
(background chatter)
(light applause)
And so he sees a road sign with a trumpet exed out on it
And he says to me, dad,
How come people aren't allowed to play the trumpet here?
I said, aw, Dylan,
It means you're not allowed to honk your car horn.
(laughter)
But I just wanna raise a toast to Dylan
And his lovely bride, Heather.
I know they're gonna have a long and wonderful life together.
I also wanna take a moment to thank Patty, my lovely bride,
For putting together the reception and the tent,
And such a lovely slide show
That so wonderfully captured our family.
And last before I sit down,
I just wanted to say thank you to Alice
For coming home on such a joyous occasion.
I know it means a lot to her brother.
And it means a lot to the whole family.
So, thank you, Alice.
(scattered applause)
...And I always loved Marilyn Monroe, obviously.
(laughter)
So I said, now when you get up to bat, you remember,
I'm Marilyn Monroe, and you're Joe DiMaggio.
So you look over at me
And I'm gonna blow you a little kiss.
And you are gonna hit it right out of the park.
And you know what? He did.
Okay, let's say most of the time.
But did you notice today,
When you stepped up to bat,
I blew you a little kiss.
Anyways, I love you, Dylan.
And I am so happy
That you hit another homer with Heather.
And I know in my heart of hearts,
That you two are a match made in heaven.
I love you.
(mouths) I love you.
(light applause)
Lynn? Lynn.
Would you like to come up and share any stories
Of Dylan when he was a little boy?
Come on, give her a little encouragement.
(applause)
Um, I'm Dylan's mother, Lynn.
And, uh, I'm not very good at this kind of thing.
I-- I don't really have any stories right now.
I didn't expect to speak.
So, I guess, l--
I guess I just wanna say how grateful I am to--
To be a part of this moment in your life.
And how happy I am for the both of you.
I am.
And I'm sorry I don't have any funny stories
From when you were a little boy.
I just know that l--
I just know that I love you so much right now.
I love you so much, Dylan.
You've grown into such an amazing man.
And when I look at you now,
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of the man you've become.
That's all.
(piano ballad plays)
(piano ballad continues)
(no audible dialogue)
Hey, Lee.
Hey.
You know,
You never get a band at these things anymore.
God, we had a fantastic band.
You know, Ben, I think my youngest daughter
Has a little crush on you.
(light chuckle)
Alice, do you think, uh, maybe you and I could
Have a word in private?
Just--
I'd rather not, Paul.
Just for a second. I was just--
No.
It won't take long.
Paul, no.
(laughs) okay. Read you loud and clear.
Just like when you were a little girl.
Message received. Okay.
Lee, it's good seeing you.
Ben: That was, like, the most bad ass thing I've ever seen.
(crickets chirp)
Mom, can I talk to you for a minute?
Excuse me.
Mom, don't you have anything to say to me?
What do you want me to say?
I wanna know why you weren't on my side.
You're my mother.
Why didn't you help me fight for my children?
Why couldn't you help me fight for Dylan?
Christ's sakes, Lynn.
It's Dylan's wedding. Can't you just let it be?
Um, have you guys seen Elliot?
Because, no one knows where he went.
How you doing, grampa?
I'm doing okay.
But I gotta get out there and do some yard work.
Yeah, I feel you.
Try to plow some of these bridesmaids
If that's what you're talking about.
That isn't what I'm talking about.
Elliot! Elliot?
(no audible dialogue)
Elliot!
Now, we gotta watch out what we're doing.
It's dark out here.
Okay. Here we go.
(no audible dialogue)
So he has nothing to lose.
And he breaks up with his fiance?
Lee. Lee? I don't know what to do.
It's very late and I don't know where Elliot is.
And I'm getting scared.
Well, where could he be?
Dj: His name is Elliot Hellman, about six one, six two--
Okay, we're off.
(riding mower starts)
Hey, uh, aunt Lynn?
What?
I don't know if I saw Elliot for sure, for sure,
But I think I saw him in an inner tube.
Inner tube?
Yeah. Like, uh, in the chesapeake.
Oh, god.
What?
Is this the harbor master?
Okay, I think my wife's sister's kid is out in the bay.
I think he's in an inner tube.
(no audible dialogue)
(mouths) the fuck is that?
(all yelling)
(loud crash, horn honks)
(helicopter whirrs)
(slow piano ballad)
everything must change
nothing remains the same
everyone must change
no one and nothing remains the same
now the young's the old
and mysteries do unfold
cause that's the way of time
nothing and no one remains the same
there are not so
many things in life
you can be sure of
whoo
except the rain comes from the clouds
sunlight from the sky
and hummingbirds do fly
young becomes the old
and mysteries do unfold
that's the way of time
nothing, no one remains unchanged
there are so little things
so few things in life
you can be sure of
except rain comes from the clouds
sunlight from the sky
and humming birds do fly
everything's changed
everything
everything must change